Still kicking

So I haven’t fallen off the wagon. In fact, I am down approximately 35 lbs., lingering currently at around 270 lbs. I am not going to say that it’s easy because it’s far from that. I will be good for a week and then binge for 2-3 days and then hop back on the wagon. It’s a delicate balance because I really do beat myself up for my disordered eating. I eat poorly and I know that it is wrong but the little devil on my shoulder just grins and encourages me to have a whole pack of Easter Reese’s eggs. I am weak in that regard but I do feel like my body is a lot stronger than it used to be, something for which I credit my dedication and the awesome workouts I get at Crossfit. I may not be perfect but when I go into that gym, I give it my all until the clock runs down.

I went to pet-sit for my sister for about 10 days and that was really difficult. I went to a Planet Fitness instead of the local Crossfit because I was feeling nervous and anxious about meeting new people. It is intimidating for someone like myself and it still affects me, as much as I don’t want it to. I always have this inner fear that I am going to be judged for being larger and doing the workout among people whose bodies put them in league with chiseled statues in art museums. The doubt may never entirely escape me but that is normal. I need to learn to brush off the doubt and the binges and continue to keep standing up when I fall.

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